What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:39
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im still living with it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was very sick at this time too.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So, i spoilt her more .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I was scared of men, in general
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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But it wasn’t much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She loved him until the end.
My ex moved on so fast. How can I overcome the pain?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is soul school!.
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
All the time i was locked up.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She married twice! .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Would this be the day?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My life is so biszare .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I write beautiful poetry .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I don,t even have a pension.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
One cannot live in the past .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ive learnt so much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I think the readers, may guess!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Put me off passion for life!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She wouldn,t have been !
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I will be 64.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
And i lived it daily.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When she asked me how she looked .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I couldn’t, believe it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was 9 years of age.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Especially a lifetime of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I waited trembling.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He knew the spot.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But, we were locked up after school.
So whats the point in blame.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was seconnd youngest,
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We all went to grammer schools
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!